


PIRATES VS. NINJAS

by plingo_kat



Category: Chuck (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-06
Updated: 2011-02-06
Packaged: 2017-10-15 10:53:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/160119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plingo_kat/pseuds/plingo_kat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chuck, Morgan, Buymorians, Ellie, and Devon are pirates. Casey,  Bryce, Sarah, Shaw, Cole, and Beckman are an elite school of ninjas. The  pirates vs. ninjas war has been raging for a long time, and it looks  like only ninja/pirate sex will bring peace at long last.</p>
            </blockquote>





	PIRATES VS. NINJAS

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for prompt 089. of the Chuck fest over at chuck_slash . Haha, I finished ON THE DAY OF THE DEADLINE. Deadly procrastinator, that's me!

_Foreword: Uh, is that even how you spell "foreword?" Well, whatever. That's what I think it's spelled like, and since I'm the author what I write goes._

 _Anyway, hi. I'm Morgan and I'm going to tell you a story of what happened a long time -- er, well, a week ago; a tale of danger and mystery, of epic romance, of misunderstandings, and of a reasonable approximation of love. I'm going to tell you about the end of the Great Pirate-Ninja War._

 _PS. Oh, and this is going to be in third person omniscient (ha, I did learn something from high school English) so you don't have to worry of those confusing "I"s and "me"s. Those always mess me up when I read. And I'll try to be as objective as possible. I am recording history, after all._

 _-Morgan Grimes, Pirate Historian_

 _\------  
_  
Around the time the war ends, Lester is yelling for help.

"Help!" he says. "Guys, I'm stuck in the, the, whatever these ropes are called! Dude, come on, get me down from here!"

Jeff is the only other person on deck. "I will help you," he intones before swallowing down the last of his rum. "For I am the mighty pirate Jeff, known pillager throughout the la--"

"Oh shut up," shouts Morgan from inside the Captain's cabin. "We're trying to plot a course here!"

Both Lester and Jeff pause. "Big Mike is plotting a course?" Lester yells. He dangles some more. "As in, _doing work?_ "

"No, it's me." Chuck steps out into the sunlight. He's holding a sextant.

"Oh."

It's an open secret around the pirate community that Chuck is the unofficial captain of _Buy More_ despite Big Mike's rank. (See? Nobody even calls Big Mike "Captain.") Chuck does all the sailing, plotting of courses, and picking of targets. Unfortunately, he's soft-hearted; that, coupled with the fact that most of the _Buy More_ crew is vaguely moronic, means the _Buy More_ isn't a very good pirate ship.

Which is why SANS (Super Amazing Ninja Spies) targets it.

Not much is known about the inner workings of Ninja-Spy society; they're very secretive. People can tell because they wear a lot of black.

What _is_ known is this:

1\. Ninja-Spies always wear black. All black.

2\. Ninja-Spies carry. They always carry. If you think they aren't armed, then something is obviously wrong with you.  
    2a. After you search a Ninja-Spy and relieve them of all their weapons, they will always have one more that you didn't find.  
    2b. If somehow you do manage to find and remove all weapons from a Ninja-Spy's person, they will then proceed to kill you with their bare hands instead of with a gun, knife, piece of dental floss, or shinobi throwing star.

3\. Ninja-Spies act on a level of authority; that is, they have a somewhat military structure.

4\. Ninja-Spies are quiet. They are stealthy. They are like cats, but without the tails and meowing. They can appear anywhere and disappear just as fast, and they also have a seemingly infinite amount of lives (although that may just be because they all dress alike, so new operatives sent out seem like the same operative that got "killed" before.)

5\. There is no number five. Ending a list with four is stupid.

It really isn't very much at all, if one thinks about it.

The crew of the _Buy More_ are a pretty clueless bunch.

\---

Lester is the first to notice the ninja attack, mostly due to the fact that his eyes are, at the moment, naturally facing sort of diagonally upwards. "Holy crap!" he yells. "There's a ninja flying machine coming towards us!"

Chuck and Jeff look confused. Morgan shouts "what?" and comes out to gawk.

"How can you tell it's a _ninja_ flying machine?"

"It's black!"

There is a pause as this information sinks in, and then the deck bursts into a frenzy of activity.

"Ninja attack!" shouts Morgan, pounding on Big Mike's door. "All crew to battle stations!"

"Oh crap oh crap oh crap," Chuck repeats to himself. He drops the sextant, grabbing a sword and a pistol instead. "Buy-Morians! Get ready for battle!"

"Who's on cannon duty?"

"I don't know!"

"Shit!"

"Get someone on it, now!"

"What do you mean, _ninjas?"_

"Someone get me the hell _down_ from here, man!" Lester is pretty much hysterical now. Everybody can hear the _whopwhophwop_ of the flying machine's rotors. "Oh my god, we're all going to die!"

After that it is all blood and screaming. Morgan trips over a coil of rope, hits his head, and blacks out. (Later he learns from others that there wasn't _actually_ that much blood, or screaming. The SANS knocked them out with sleeping darts quickly, quietly, and efficiently.)

When everybody wakes up, they find that Chuck is gone.

\---

Morgan mopes around for the next three days. Everyone does, really, but Morgan is the mopiest and most depressing to be around, because honestly, his best friend has been kidnapped by _secret ninja spies_ and if that isn't cause for some good old-fashioned depression, Morgan doesn't know what is. Even Ellie can't pull him out of it.

"Hey!" says Lester. Since he got down from the spar where he was dangling, he's been much more filled with good-will toward his fellow crew members. Also, he's been calmer. "It's the _Awesome_!"

"Oh," says Morgan listlessly. "That's--"

He stops.

" _That's awesome._ "

\---

The plan is this:

One, find out where the SANS took Chuck. Two, storm the SANS stronghold (although mostly it will be the _Awesome_ crew who does this, as they are pretty much infinitely more competent than the _Buy More_ crew, and everyone knows it). Three, not die. Four, get Chuck out. Five, well, five is sort of redundant but really it just _isn't done_ , ending a list with four, so five is once again _don't die_.

Morgan thinks this is a good plan. Especially parts three, four, and five.

Mostly three and five.

...But also four, because Chuck is his best friend and four is pretty integral to Chuck still being his best friend , not becoming a decomposing corpse on the floor. Morgan turns a little green at the thought. All those worms and maggots and things. He wonders if weevils inhabit dead bodies as well as tack, and then promptly rushes over to the starboard rail to unload his stomach.

Definitely not the sort of thoughts he wants to dwell on.

"Ready?" Captain Awesome says. Morgan is pretty sure his name is something like Dean or Dennis or something, but those don't sound awesome enough to be right, so Morgan just calls him Awesome in his head.

"No," mutters Morgan over the side where nobody will hear, but straightens with everyone else as he's faced with Captain Awesome's awesome presence. "Yes sir!"

\---

Chuck opens his eyes to an unfamiliar ceiling.

"Ooooh," he says. "How many Red Bulls did I drink last night?"

Nobody answers. Chuck realizes that the ceiling above him is plaster, not wood; he is not on the _Buy More_.

"Where am I?"

"Pirate Chuck Bartowski," says a cool, female, and _mechanical_ voice. Chuck is too stunned to be surprised. "Designation: captive. Current location: SANS base camp."

"SANS?" Chuck parrots, drawing the acronym out. "Like--"

"Super Amazing Ninja Spies, yes," says a more human voice from just out of his eyesight. When Chuck turns around, there are four people standing just inside a doorway. They are all dressed in black. The blonde woman is the one who spoke. She is very pretty.

(Alternatively, the large man standing beside her is startlingly attractive, in a scary sort of way, while another slimmer man is so handsome it's kind of disgusting. The only one not immediately stunning is the older woman, but that's because she looks, well, old. Chuck thinks this is extremely unfair; his kidnappers don't even have the decency to look properly thug-like.)

"Kind of scrawny, isn't he?" says the intimidating one.

"What?" says Chuck.

"A little bit," says the handsome one.

" _What?"_  says Chuck.

"Of course," says the old one.

"Okay, now I'm offended," says Chuck.

"But that doesn't mean he can't be a perfectly good husband."

"What."

\---

"Wow," says Morgan. "That doesn't fulfill any secret spy base stereotypes _at all_."

The combined crew of the _Buy More_ andthe _Awesome_  are lurking behind a convenient rock outcrop about half-a-mile away from the entrance of the SANS base. Disappointingly (at least to Morgan), it is a cave.

"It's perfect," says Jeff reverently.

"It's a cave."

"You could store whole _barrels_  of rum in there," says Jeff. "Indefinitely."

"Right."

\---

"Okay, here's the plan." Everybody is gathered around Captain Awesome, ready to listen to his awesome plan. Morgan hopes it's awesome enough for them not to die.

Awesome explains his plan.

It is very, very awesome.

\---

The pirates attack under the cover of daylight, because if they're stupid enough to attack in the dark of night, the ninjas (dressed head to toe in black) will take them out with embarrassing ease. 

The walls (which is an achievement in itself, having defensive walls inside a cave -- it's like having walls to defend your cave) --

\--uh.

Well. The walls are tall and grey and imposing, but then pirates are used to imposing tall grey things, so they ignore the aura of silent menace and blow the hell out of a section near the entrance with some of their barrels of gunpowder.

"Move!" says Awesome. They go in threes, two in front and one behind. No alarms are blaring, but that just makes everything scarier than it already is.

"Do we even know where we're going?" mutters Morgan.

"It's a big, long tunnel," says Lester. Morgan was assigned him and Jeff as partners. "There's only one way _to_ go."

"It could be a trap," says Morgan. In fact, he thinks it is likely that there is a trap.

Lester shrugs. "No choice. We've got to rescue the guy."

"Buy Morians stick together," interjects Jeff wisely. "In the name of rum and pirates everywhere."

Neither Lester nor Morgan reply to that.

\---

"Oh man," says Morgan as he wakes. Tied up. Again. "This is so not fair."

"You're telling me," says a voice behind him.

"Oh my god!" Morgan wriggles madly around (his hands or lashed to his feet and he's laying on the floor). "Chuck! We were looking for you. Uh. Well, we were trying to rescue you, actually. Guess that didn't work out too well. Hey, why aren't you tied up?"

"It's kind of a long story..."

"Oh man," says Morgan. "I know that look. That's the look you had when we did that thing to Big Mike's swordfish. The really, really,  _I did something really stupid_ guilty look."

"You're the one who came up with the idea for the swordfish!" Chuck protests.

"I know you, buddy," says Morgan. "You can't distract me like that. Spill. What happened?"

"Uh," says Chuck. "Um. You probably don't want to know."

"I really do," says Morgan, although in actuality he's pretty unsure. Ninja-spies probably have some pretty bad stuff they could do to their prisoners.

"Well," says Chuck. "I, uh, had sex."

"What?" says Morgan, except he doesn't actually say it because he's too busy gaping in ~~terror~~ astonishment. His mouth works silently as he comes to a very wrong conclusion.

"...How hot was she?" he asks in the end.

"Uh," says Chuck again. "Um. He."

Morgan ignores this as counterproductive to sane reality. "Hot, right?" he continues.

Chucks grins, nervous and kind of goofily. "Yeah. Really."

"Well good for you, buddy!" says Morgan. "Just don't tell me details, okay? And can you untie me?"

"Oh, sure," says Chuck. Morgan isn't certain which request of his Chuck is replying to. He'll go with both. (Self-protective instincts to the fore.)

"Also, I'm getting married."

Morgan spasms so hard he throws his back out.

\---

"I hope," says Ellie, somehow successfully looming over Casey despite the fact that he is half-a-foot taller than her, "that your intentions toward my brother are honorable."

Casey grunts.

"As much as a ninja-spy can be honorable, Mrs. Bartowski," says Sarah, sliding into the conversation.

"It's my duty," says Casey. At Ellie's look, he adds, "and of course I greatly respect and admire him. Ma'am."

"Fine," sniffs Ellie, and stalks away to intimidate Chuck.

"Sorry," says Captain Awesome. "She gets like that sometimes. I think it's, you know, maternal instinct."

Casey grunts.

Sarah smiles charmingly.

\---

On the day of the wedding, there are no secret terrorist attacks, dives of kamikaze pelican-bombers, or pirate sieges. It is drizzling very lightly, but in comparison to what _could_ have gone wrong, that's a minor concern. The rain does, however, incite the priest to run through the vows rather quickly. (And not for any other reason, of course. He isn't at all intimidated by the SANS and the openly sword-bearing pirates, or the fact that this is a gather of _pirates and ninja-spies_ and nobody is trying to kill one another yet.)

The audience sits. The organ plays some slightly-soggy sounding wedding march music. The two grooms walk out, side by side; Casey in a black suit, black shirt, and black tie, the well-hidden bulge of a gun strapped to his ~~ankle thigh waist~~ body, and Chuck in almost-white grey with a deep red tie.

"He's so beautiful," Ellie sobs. Devon pats her awkwardly on the back.

Morgan gives Chuck a thumbs up, looking desperately at Sarah. This would be a lot easier, he thinks, if his best friend were marrying that smoking-hot girl instead of the _really scary_ guy. Chuck is his best friend, though, so he encourages him anyway.

Jeff and Lester are already getting drunk.

"Do you, Chuck Bartowski, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?" says the priest.

"I do," says Chuck, and smiles at Casey.

"And do you, John Casey, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do."

"Great. You may kiss the -- you may kiss." The priest walks off hurriedly.

"Hurmph," says Casey. "Pansy."

"Dude," says Chuck. "Pirates and ninjas, okay? This is a pretty big deal. Also, hurry up and kiss me."

Casey kisses Chuck. It is amazingly hot.

THE END

 _Author's Note: After the wedding, word spread of the ninja-pirate marriage and the therefore implied ninja-pirate treaty, and the leaders of both sides came forward to negotiate formally. The war ended within weeks, and all was well in the world forever after._

 _Well, mostly. There was the whole LEE (Lawful Enforcers of Evil) aka Ring incident, but that's a story for another time._

 _\- Morgan Grimes (Pirate Historian) signing off._


End file.
